Thursday, October 09, 2008

A New Money Glossary: Definitions for the modern stock market

If you're keeping up with all this fuzzy-but-expensive language being tossed around about "bailouts," frozen credit and damaged assets, you're smarter than I am. But for those of us who need a little help understanding the current crisis in America's financial markets, here's a little glossary that will help:


CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my financial advisor has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @$240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Former investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

One crime wasn't enough ... O.J. takes the cake

Right at this moment, some pretty smart people are saying a depression is likely, and I am having weird dreams about loading the whole family on a rusty 1974 Pinto for a long trip to California. I still don't understand exactly how giving $800 billion to unethical bankers is going to make my life better. We still haven't gotten to the bottom of this global warming thing. The Dow fell below 10,000 today and a quick calculation of my 401(k) suggests I will be able to retire 42.4 years after my 100th birthday. I think it's possible we don't have the right presidential candidates again. Gas prices are like the weather ... they change every 10 minutes. And Osama bin Laden is still out there someplace.

But I'm not worried about any of that.

Why? Because I'm still obsessed with how O.J. Simpson could be so stupid as to dodge a murder conviction in the "trial of the century" only to go out -- again -- and commit another big-time crime.

Felony stupid.